The Vacation Day That Never Was
The whole “I’m going to take a vacation day” thing didn’t happen. Take my word for it when I say that today, on a suck scale of 1- 10, was a 15.5. It certainly wasn’t the worst day I’ve ever had (oh to be young again… NOOOOO!!!) it definitely made it into the ranking. It was as if the moment I decided to leave my apartment, the universe was actually paying attention and is a cruel and sadistic bitch. I got locked out of my apartment, my wallet inside, and my landlord had just left town, that morning, for a few days. And that was just my morning. That, unfortunately, was not rock bottom. Either I was Genghis Khan in a former life and karma exists, the Saturn Return (an astrology thing. Go look it up.) actually happens, or the universe is a completely haphazard, nonsensical, and sociopathic place. I have the sneaking suspicion it’s the last one. Not comforting.
Currently, I am classified as a walking disaster. I can’t even take ONE vacation day properly. I spent part of today trying to salvage the final show. Many things that should have happened, didn’t. As part of me begs to just give up the final show fight, the other, stubborn, contrary, and much more vocal, part of me refuses to give up. I’m not sure if continuing this fight is a good thing. The stubborn part of me says that giving up is for people who don’t actually want anything. The tired, surrender already part of me says that I fought the good fight, for over 7 months now, and perhaps being steadfastly mule headed is, at this point, moronic. The thing is, if I give up now, not only do I not get what I want, but the people that have been screwing us over win. These are people who put the ass in asinine. As far as I’m concerned, their existence is only ruining the neighborhood and bringing down property values. I also really like to say “I Win!” and have it actually be true (I have no problem declaring myself the winner, even if there was no contest or, more usually, I actually lost.) I’m going to continue to fight, for now.
As I’ve been recounting today’s various disasters to others, one thing occurred to me. I don’t do anything halfway. It is a trait that is so constant it even shows up when I least want it to, like during crap-fests masquerading as days. I’m not sure this is a good thing but at least it’s consistent. Consistency- 1 Fucking Random- 39,837,296,539,856 (is that even a number?) It also occurs to me that, in a larger sense, even my consistency is random. Frig.
Right now, I want a few things. Small things that will make slogging through the craptasticness that floods my days seem a little less arduous. As of right now, I have none of those things. This does not please me. Oddly enough, the things I want are not material goods, not even scrumptious sweets (though I would never turn down sweets); this time, right now, what I would really like is far less concrete and far more dependent on outside forces. The best thing would be for people in my life to accept without judgement that I am an emotional human. I react swiftly, strongly, and, in the eyes of others, excessively. In some ways, they are right; my reactions could be considered, if performed by other, serious overreactions. The world registers upon me intensely, and vice versa. For me, this is a state of being. As such I would like it to be understood that 1) I know what my reactions look like to others, 2) You are correct, for anyone else it would be an overreaction, 3) For me it is not. It would be great if you could realize this and realize that what is happening in my world right now is enough to make even the most sanguine person go a bit batty. I don’t expect you to share my reactions or to react in the same way. If you could simply try to empathize with me and understand that what is going on has all sorts of consequences, including emotional ones, it would go a long way to making me less batty. C and I have been treated in the worst possible ways by people who should be supporting and nurturing us and our goals. We are two women, with lives outside of school, working against an entire university administration. Melodramatic and, unfortunately, accurate. Yes, I’m acting very needy. I find it annoying as well. I have learned, however, that when I’m acting needy it means that I am not getting something that helps stabilize me. I need hugs, understanding, and people who will, at the very least, say that C and I have been treated horribly and that is unacceptable. Please get pissed off on our behalf. Both C and I need these things to remind us that not everyone is a soulless, soul- crushing administrator. I manage to be exactly who I am, in all my self centered, contradictory glory, while still being able to empathize and care for you. Feel free to think me a liar but ask yourself this: Even if she is lying, why would doing what she asks be a bad thing? If you’re vindictive enough to refuse simply on the ground that I might be lying and don’t deserve anything, what about all the other people in your life? Are all of them so awful in one way or another that not one of them deserves your empathy and support? If that’s the case, I’m sorry. Also, might I suggest finding some new people?
When all else fails, drown them in frickin’ adorable (I considered adding a picture of myself, but, even I have to admit, that baby hedgehog has cute all sewn up.)