I’m Suffering From an Acute Case of Optimism
I’m sitting here on my balcony, enjoying the cool evening and a M*A*S*H marathon. I’ve spent today struggling to come to terms with a personal matter (pardon the euphemism but I have to maintain some mystery) and I realized something about myself. Despite the fact that I look at the world with a critical and cynical eye, I also harbor some seriously optimistic leanings. Not much has turned out well lately. For all intents and purposes, everything I was hoping for, looking forward to, didn’t come to fruition. There have been itty bitty, invisible to the naked eye bright spots though. And those bright spots, only identifiable with the aid of a microscope, are what I’m focused on. I’m focused on them even though I am 99.98% sure that my hopes that I have pinned on those bright spots will be dashed.
I pride myself on being realistic. I got in trouble with a friend recently for saying that we probably wouldn’t know each other in five or ten years. I’m rubbish at keeping in touch with people and I am a firm believer in telling the truth, so I said that. My friend didn’t find my truth refreshing so much as overly presumptive. Now, if I can look at a friend, A FRIEND, and tell them that despite the fact that I like them now and will probably continue to like them in the future, I will probably lose touch with them, why can’t I disabuse myself of this optimism I’m harboring? In my experience, everything works out in the end. It doesn’t work out how and when you wanted, expected, or planned, but it does work out. This knowledge comes from a lifetime of being me. What’s with this optimism?
I can’t decide if I should try harder to make myself wake the fuck up to reality or continue to hope for the best even as the worst happens. I hate being disappointed and I hate not getting what I want but sometimes, despite my most concerted efforts, I don’t get what I want and I am disappointed. This is reality so I do my best to minimize unsatisfactory outcomes and go about my business. The part of me that says wake up and smell the craptasticness is shouting at the top of its lungs to ditch the optimistic belief that I will still get what I want, despite all signs to the contrary. The optimistic part, the part that is remembering good things and believing those good things have the power to change already decided outcomes stubbornly refuses to give up. Sometimes being stubborn is not a helpful trait.
I’m going to go back to my ruminations and M*A*S*H marathon. I’ll let you know which side of me wins. Maybe I’ll take bets on it.