Things I Never Thought I Would Do: Go to a Professional Football Game

by theobfuscatedone

I went to a Raiders game today.  A professional football game.  That is not really something I ever expected to write, say, and/or admit to.  Since I spent most of the game making snarky and scathing comments about everyone else, I figure it’s not so bad.  I accompanied T and together we enjoyed ourselves and left early enough to avoid traffic and the crush of Raiders’ fans, some of whom were wearing… outfits quite obviously inspired by the “band” Gwar and “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome”.  Even though T is a gay man (silence the stereotyping!) he follows football, enjoys it, and once played it in school.  I am certainly not a football fan/follower and grew up in a state with no pro football team.  We had a good college team though and I do have a knowledge base that allows me to say things like, “… that means he moved before the snap.”  This elicited a look that I will treasure always (and yes, I do know what my statement means.  I’m not just another pretty face people.)  T and I did pay attention to the game but when there was a time out, break, boredom set in, whatever, we would start in with the snark.  One scenario for snark that stands out and needs to be shared, concerns the cheerleaders.

Cheerleaders are not politically correct.  They are not feminist icons.  They are nothing more than (often) surgically enhanced, physically fit women whose entire job is to inspire team spirit.   They do this not by making rousing speeches but by shaking their collective toned asses.  Imagine my surprise when I spied the Oakland Raiders’ cheerleaders.  Their routines were “white guy” dancing with some added hip motion.  Now, I am a feminist; however, when your entire job has been defined by scantily clad women performing sexually suggestive dance routines, trying to act like that is NOT your job description is ludicrous.  I would have much preferred a squad that owned all the sexual/misogynistic overtones of cheerleading and went all out.  The pom poms were silvery and shiny, why weren’t the women adorned similarly?  Is there some reason a cheerleader needs a uniform change?  Shouldn’t her uniform be so minuscule that no one actually notices it as she gyrates on the field?  The definition of a cheerleader is to lead cheers and inspire rabid team spirit (Raiders’ fans are… frighteningly gung ho.) When I looked at the cheerleaders I got very depressed.  Their toned down routines and uniforms weren’t a palliative for my feminist self.  They simply showed a lack of self awareness and a willingness to capitulate in the face of far too much political correctness.  Obviously, T and I discussed the cheerleader issue at length.  What can I say, even gay men and straight women can appreciate good synchronized T & A (Do not even try to tell me that it’s all about the routines and the cheerleaders are supposed to be secondary.  I’m not an idiot and even if I was it would still be obvious since professional football cheerleaders are (I’m guessing) exclusively female with a very obvious physical attributes and (I’m guessing) the majority of pro football watchers are male.  Even a child can put 2 and 2 together.)

If you are looking for a place where there is a large group of people who have NO fashion sense and no shame in a large, acoustically advantageous enclosure, I respectfully suggest you check out a Raiders game.  It’s even better if you’re looking for that because you’re a snarky, intelligent, and overly critical person and you want to make fun of people and appreciate convenience. It reaches the pinnacle of amazingness when you’re that person + another person of similar persuasions. Really, you get to sit in one place, they bring you beer if you want (it’s crap which you pay through the nose for but that’s beside the point), and you have an unobstructed view of these people, and for the next couple hours is too fucking loud for anyone other than your companion to hear your disparaging comments.  For a minority of people, this scenario can best be summed up with: Get ready to get your snark on cause it’s gonna be non stop finger pointing and snickering.

Oh, there’s also the football.