Pondering the Paradox
Today has been.. not so amazing. Something to write home to your mom about- if your mom has some serious schadenfreude issues or hates you. Neither of those is that case for me (and can I just say: Thank God.) so instead of writing I phoned home. When all else fails, complaining to your mom is as good as a Xanax and far less addictive. Anyway, crap day= called mom= feel a bit better.
I just have a ton of stuff on my plate and a lot of it is there because I frequently end up being the most competent/organized/generally capable person in any given situation- and these are situations where I should most definitely not be that person. I have this thing about doing other peoples’ jobs- especially when they are the ones getting paid to do it and I am not. Call me naive but I tend to think that if you are getting paid for it, you are obligated to do the job to the best of your ability and in fulfillment of your job description. Unfortunately, my current reality insists on teaching me otherwise, repeatedly. I have yet to learn that particular lesson. Stubborn and naive- not a good combo.
And that is the paradox. The paradox of me. All of the words that I would use to describe myself- stubborn, independent, naive, realistic, intelligent, flighty, capable, disorganized, lively, lazy, mercurial, confident, humble, aggressive, passive- represent traits that are great on their own but in combination with all the others, it makes for some serious cognitive dissonance regarding myself. These traits usually contradict each other, leading me to ponder and mull and perseverate in an attempt to… I don’t actually know. Maybe it’s to understand myself better, to figure out a way to reconcile all of the disparate traits and (theoretically/ideally) make my life easier, maybe it’s just the way extreme narcissism manifests itself in me, or perhaps it’s some combination of the three. Whatever the reason, today, while continuing to hack away at my never ending, always expanding, to do list, I have been pondering the ‘me paradox’.
The conclusion I have come to is that, whatever, else, I need to be taking care of myself more. I need to be asking for help more and I need to be letting go more. Yes, it sucks and is absurd that I have to remind the director of my program of some decisions he had made and now seems to have forgotten them. Yes, it’s absurd and it sucks that the librarian who is the school’s expert for a program I use doesn’t know how to fix a problem with said program. Of all of the things I need to do, only a few of them are a direct response to something I did/want/need. Most of the things are there because I need to babysit/remind/clean up something someone else did that has ended up affecting me. I’m rubbish at babysitting (if I ever become a parent [slim, slim possibility] I worry that I will end up looking at my child and go, “what, you know where the cookies are, get them yourself. Also, it will be less work for you to get them because you inherited your father’s height and are now six inches taller than me and almost 30 years younger than me and therefore do not require the aid of a step stool to reach the second shelf of the cabinet.” My idea of nurturing seems to rely almost exclusively on sarcasm, logic, and a belief that the only person any person should ever truly need is one’s self.) The only reason I am ever where I am supposed to be at the time I am supposed to be there is because my phone reminds me. It seems counterintuitive to expect someone who needs constant reminding to remind someone else. The state of my apartment will tell you that my clean up skills are… dormant.
Obviously (at least to me), I am not really equipped to deal with most of the crap on my to do list. To top it all off, so much of it requires working with others and I am the reason the phrase “does not play well with others” exists. There’s also the fact that I have no patience or tolerance for bullshit (thanks Dad!) All in all, I’m a handful even for myself and just keeping myself in line is a full time job.
I don’t have time for this bullshit.
I am going to try and let go of this knowledge (it breaks my heart to even write that) and just do the things I need to do. I will get it all done, I always do. My one consolation is that my mom has graciously taken on one of my more stressful (for me) to-dos. Let’s all thank her for doing her part to head off an Obfuscated One explosion, if for no other reason than it would put an end to this delightful little blogthing. I know you all agree with me when I say that would be a tragedy of the highest order.