Resurfacing and The Lesson of the Giant Paper Clip
Happy New Year! Yes, I am aware that I’m a few weeks late and no, I don’t really give a damn. The first day of the new year is, for me, just another day where I do yoga, think about baked goods, and wonder how much longer I can go before I absolutely must do laundry.
None of the things most people do on the new year- make resolutions, suffer an epic hangover, do the walk of shame- apply to me. I lead a pretty awesome, healthy life and 90% of New Year resolutions get broken, forgotten, or otherwise ignored so resolutions seem like a waste of time. I also make a point to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and by the time the new year rolls around I’ve exhausted myself with all the ‘bucket list’ worthy activities I did the other day. No resolutions for me. Hangovers require drinking, which I don’t do a lot of and when I do, 1 drink is enough. No hangovers for me. The walk of shame requires feeling shame about having sex and my parents just did not drill the puritan mindset deep enough into my psyche (Please send them your “concerned” comments.) No shame for me. I didn’t even sleep in on New Year’s Day.
Instead, my new year started with a realization that despite the fact that I had held it together for an entire semester, mentally I had spent the semester slowly dissolving into a puddle of depressed goo, with a few stops at mania for variety. That goo reached its full, depressed potential shortly after the switch to 2012… I think. I don’t actually remember a lot of what happened. Some of it I have pieced together based on second hand accounts and the consequences of what I can only conclude were my actions. The rest of it, well, it’s probably best that I don’t remember it. I mean, there’s not a whole lot I can do about it now and I’ve got enough on my plate cleaning up the various messes left by the bipolar me.
Yep, my life is currently a bit reminiscent of a “United States of Tara” story arc. However, I’m making progress on the clean up and a medication tweak has resulted in a drastically improved and stabilized mood. I was doing the dishes the other day and realized that for the first time in a LONG time, I was thinking that every time I washed something I was making progress and the whole venture wasn’t so bad. A week and a half ago I wouldn’t be doing the dishes because it was pointless, exhausting, and took FOREVER. You know, 10 whole minutes. The change is stark and I am shocked at how negative my whole outlook was and for how long it persisted. But because my mood is much closer to my normal mood and I am functioning at a level much closer to my normal level, my reaction to the fact that a week and a half ago I wanted to die is one of gentle understanding and forgiveness. It turns out that when I’m feeling well, I’m an easy going, energetic, generally happy person who does a booty dance because the pasta sauce she made required all of 3 ingredients and tasted divine. I had to restrain myself from eating the sauce with a spoon as I waited for my pasta to boil. I don’t normally like tomato sauce either (and since I am a giving person: http://smittenkitchen.com/2010/01/tomato-sauce-with-butter-and-onions/. Enjoy.) As I said, clean up is going well and I finished something that I wasn’t able to do for an entire semester. I finished it today and I told myself that I could rest and relax as a reward. Instead I walked to the store to get an onion for the sauce, which, while ridiculously tasty, isn’t the reward I wanted. To re-reward myself in the way I desire I am going to go to the studio tomorrow! I haven’t been in about a month and I’m super excited.
I got shit to do and now that I can do it, I’m going cautiously gang busters. It’s cautious because I have no desire to do a back slide into a mental hell. Call me crazy but that is not my idea of fun. My idea of fun involves a swing set at night, my iPod, and singing at the top of my lungs. Note the distinct lack of hell.
As I make progress in a variety of ways, I find my mind turned to the fact that it’s the first month of 2012. That leaves 11 months that, if the last week and a half is any indication, may bring some never before seen awesomeness. In honor of that hoped for awesomeness, I will share some recent past awesomeness:
This paper clip is 4 inches long. I am utterly fascinated by it. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time pondering the uses for such an item. A normal paper clip is about an inch long for standard paper, which is 11 inches long. That means that the paper this paper clip goes with is 44 inches long. Yup, I’ve put that much thought into an oddly sized paper clip. Well, it’s either that or do what everyone else does and make some unattainable resolution, break that resolution, and then spend months guilt tripping myself for breaking that unrealistic resolution.
Happy New Year!