A Two Parter, Part I
Today’s post will be in two parts. The first will be mildly sad and bleak and the second will discuss one of my favorite topics, age and perception. But first, sad and bleak.
The person I adore and regularly sleep with is far, far away from me, emotionally speaking. N ran into some issues at work and it has, apparently, hit him hard. I have never seen him so distant and, and… neutral. Neutral isn’t a new thing for N but the level has change dramatically. It became very clear early on in our relationship that our approaches to feelings were total opposites. Mine is pretty much, let the emotions run freeeeeee!!! Feel deeply, feel strongly, then move on. On the other hand, N’s approach is to carefully cultivate neutrality. On some level I admire his approach because there is far less daily upheaval. On another, it baffles me. I am the feeler and he is the observer and never the twain shall meet. That has worked well for us but now, the roles are reversed. He is feeling and I am observing. And I sort of suck at observing without interference. I want to fix it!
My fix-it tendencies are my mother’s doing. While she and I approach fixing differently, we are both prone to moving from venting to fixing pretty quickly. Or venting while fixing. However is happens, fixing is always the next step. So when someone I care about seems to be struggling with unreleased feelings, my first instinct is to fix it. However, I know that won’t work for N. He needs to work this out by himself and when he’s ready he’ll let me in as far as he wants. Until then though, I am struggling not to take the distance personally, to not worry, and to not go directly to fix-it mode. Jesus fucking Christ this is hard.
It’s all hard but what may be the hardest part is that I am far too empathetic for my own good. M and I talk about this all the time because we both feel the emotions of others, whether we like it or not. It’s particularly hard when it’s the emotions of someone we’re close to. Even though I don’t know what exactly N is thinking, I feel his feelings, which is just as confusing to comprehend as it is to write. Essentially, I feel what he’s feeling along with my own feelings. That is a hell of a lot of feelings and it’s stressful to contain them and channel them in a non-destructive way.
Now that I’ve made you all think I’m cuckoo, I’m gonna dig my hole deeper. I’m a Pisces/Scorpio, which is the astrological equivalent of an unmedicated manic depressive. Pisces are artsy, malleable, sensitive, and vaguely ethereal. Our heads are often in the clouds while we fake being responsible and normal. Scorpios are intense, passionate, emotional, hot headed, stubborn, and forceful. Scorpios are busy igniting emotional fires and getting shit done. Now combine the two and you get me. Double the emotions, double the passion, quadruple the trouble. (As I write this I am thinking about how much crap I will get if my skeptical Taurus boyfriend ever sees it. Typical Taurus. Anyway…) The big thing for both Pisces and Scorpio is emotions. Emotions are nothing new to me and feeling the emotions of others is nothing new but feeling them so consistently is. All the time spent with N is more time I feel his rather bleak emotions. It makes me so sad.
Ok, enough with the dark side of life. In my next post I will swing to the other end of the spectrum and discuss age and perception and how annoying it is when those two get together.